no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
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I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.