Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?