@QwertyJones3

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

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@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

@iamspacegirl

God *using a bear to dry his face*

Angel: OMG what are You doing?!

God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down

@jonnysun

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

@SouthernStylin1

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

@pilau

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

@garrettbarry70

[Christmas shopping]

Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”

Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”

@zachreinert03

People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals