My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
God *using a bear to dry his face*
Angel: OMG what are You doing?!
God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”
Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”
People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals