@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

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@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

@desukidesu

[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]

detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled

@LuvPug

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

@Playing_Dad

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@ch000ch

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

@ObscureGent

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

@huntigula

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.