@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

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@Ideal_Victoria

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

@Skoogeth

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

@SoAnyway1

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

@TheCamelToe_

Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.