It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
Au, got it. Next element.
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dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm
Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.
Your word: Spelunking