Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
Au, got it. Next element.
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Doctor: Are you on any antidepressants?
Me: You mean like nachos? Yes.
[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]
detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.