“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
no one likes gloating
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
the icebreaker
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: