ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You Might Also Like
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I think this should do it.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them