“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Thursday Thought.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes