God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.
this makes me so uncomfortable
*Interrogation room w/ murderer*
I’d start talking, my partner isn’t so nice…
*From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*
BOSS: why were you late?
ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”