@daemonic3

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

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@nyquills

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

@ahuj9

Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

@kelkulus

Whichever marketing genius created the “Kim Kardashian Kollection” must not know much about history or acronyms.

@thenatewolf

*Interrogation room w/ murderer*

I’d start talking, my partner isn’t so nice…

*From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*

@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@CrockettsBeard

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@seamusmckracken

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”