ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably