Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.


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A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.


The neighbors next door are very polite. Every night one family member gets to yell at everybody. They never yell at each other.


Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”


Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash


“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)


I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.


Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?


Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.




ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.


Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.