@loribuckmajor

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

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@FemmeEnFeu

A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.

@McFluffy537

The neighbors next door are very polite. Every night one family member gets to yell at everybody. They never yell at each other.

@beccalynward

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

@batkaren

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?

@XplodingUnicorn

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

@simoncholland

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.