OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter