Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
And then there were 4
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon