okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life