@thedayofthedot

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

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@H0TMessBarbie

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

@david8hughes

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

@wolfpupy

the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk

@RandomlyMJ

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@LeonEarlgrey

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

@WilliamAder

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

@radtoria

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.