@Matt_the_1st: Due to an unforeseen error during last night's love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

@McGrumpenstein: Wife: We should go camping Me: Yay *waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

@crunchenhancer: My wife told me she "likes it rough." So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll. -how guys understand women

@Kyle_Lippert: [Jesus is resurrected after 3 days] Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

@stevevsninjas: Son: Mom fell thru the ice! Dad: Grab a new box of cereal! *Opens bottom of box* Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?