*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi