I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk
Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.