@thedayofthedot
@GrowlyGrego
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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@GrowlyGrego
@3sunzzz
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
@mister_blank
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
@thatcarlygirl
“It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.”
@Dutch_50
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
@tchrquotes
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
@MyMomologue
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
@AndrewNadeau0
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
@jonnysun
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
@RandiLawson
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi