Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.