Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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seems fine
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra