The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
when we are all singing quarantine songs with our neighbors in 6 weeks or so, please remember good karaoke etiquette. No songs over 3.5 minutes, fully commit and don’t do the “haha I’m so bad” thing, and please avoid “total eclipse of the heart”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
“Ummm can you not?”
– white girl getting tortured
My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.