Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.


Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.


*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion


MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked


Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.


DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.


I love how judgy dentists get. Like, gee sorry I haven’t been flossing enough and I’m addicted to sugar but isn’t that literally how you’re making the payments on your Audi, Brian?