Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me irl
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K