Okay, I’m still confused…
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.