I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”