Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
eggs benadryl
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.