Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

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I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.


The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.


My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta


4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?


4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!


I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.


Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.


Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon


If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.


not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven