Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
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nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I would like even faster food.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.