I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.