@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

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@liv_thatsme

I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

@nbadag

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

@torrami

When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.

@Addawanna

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

@PColemanchester

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

@ibid78

[math teacher] your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you got them all correct
[later at home] I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken

@AtticusFinch79

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.