okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.