Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Tremendous stuff
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I would like even faster food.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.