Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
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my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty