@Tobi_Is_Fab

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

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@JohnLyonTweets

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

@Kids_kubed

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@lmwortho

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

@flashember

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]