okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
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cat vs inanimate object
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
This is my emotional support knife.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
getting corrected
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.