@badboychadhoy
@iwearaonesie
a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’
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@iwearaonesie
@noog
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
@Swishergirl24
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
@XplodingUnicorn
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
@AnOrangeSNES
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
@ellorysmith
I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value
@RyanThmpsn
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
@JediGigi
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
@Sanbel11
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
@TheHyyyype
tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister