Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

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It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.


Mom: can i borrow your laptop?
Me: *deletes history*
Me: *logs out of twitter*
Me: *closes chrome*
Me: *opens internet explorer*
Me: sure


Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*


dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol


My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.


“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”


Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.


When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed