Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

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Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down


Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!



Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?


Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha


You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.


I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.


Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close


summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking


Having a beer with a co-worker I was surprised to hear he was born in ’92.

Me: Wow. That’s young.
Him: And you?
Me: ’76
Him: You look really good for 76.
Me: Thanks. People often guess younger.

More conversation. I soon realize he thinks I’m 76 years old.


First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?