@badboychadhoy

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

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@fro_vo

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

@CantWaitToNap

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

@eminmien

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

@CulturedRuffian

I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.

@spaceboyriley

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

@lil_escher

summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking

@antoniogm

Having a beer with a co-worker I was surprised to hear he was born in ’92.

Me: Wow. That’s young.
Him: And you?
Me: ’76
Him: You look really good for 76.
Me: Thanks. People often guess younger.

More conversation. I soon realize he thinks I’m 76 years old.

@_debbii3e

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?