@badboychadhoy

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

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@iwearaonesie

a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’

@noog

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

@Swishergirl24

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@ellorysmith

I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value

@JediGigi

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@TheHyyyype

tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister