okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

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Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*


“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors


“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”


Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that


panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple


If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”


Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.