@myqkaplan

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

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@UnFitz

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

@NathanBgood

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

@grimpossible

“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”

@krishna_van

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

@VerifiedJayy

Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that

@yonewt

panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

@BillFienberg

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

@daddydoubts

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.