okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
You Might Also Like
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
is nasa ok
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶