At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…
Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.