Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

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At 1am I’m going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I’ll crawl into his toddler bed. Let’s see how he likes it.


I told my dog 6,000 times, she could go out but I wasn’t going to sit outside with her…

Long story short, I’m sitting outside with her.


I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due


My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.


My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.


[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]


Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.