Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
B
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
January has been Januweary
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.