Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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Word of the day: exhaustipated. Too tired to give a shit.
Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: I tried talking dirty once
Her: did it end badly?
Son: *walks in* hey dad
Me: *nods head in his direction*
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”