Okay this is a quality meme

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Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’


Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN


Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no


God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it


The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.


Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”


Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…


Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free