Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.