@omgShutUpDon

Okay this is a quality meme

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@difficultpatty

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

@abbycohenwl

Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer

@CharmandBrains

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

@TheToddWilliams

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

@DaddyJew

Me: I tried talking dirty once

Her: did it end badly?

Son: *walks in* hey dad

Me: *nods head in his direction*

@VeganZebra

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

@keyboredest

Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.

@Social_Mime

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

@nickwiger

[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”