Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I feel it
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.