Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science

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cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston


My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.


If I’m going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.


Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*


Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads


If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.


For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories


I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.


Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.