@KenJennings

Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science

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@costaggini

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

@NYC_Blonde

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

@just1fool

If I’m going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*

@daemonic3

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

@jellybnbonanza

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

@9woodMac

For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories

@OldUncleDaveO

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

@AndyAsAdjective

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.