Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Raisins are grape jerky.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.