Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.