Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.


My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”



Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?


Me: My smile?


*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?


Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.


There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot


My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.


10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.