@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

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@IDontSpeakWhine

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

@Aikiwomannc

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

@momjeansplease

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@TheToddWilliams

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

@mostunladylike

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

@AndyAsAdjective

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy