Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven鈥檛 broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Mornin
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I鈥檓 gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don鈥檛 know what Feen is.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don鈥檛 like whisky.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.