Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
You Might Also Like
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.