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At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I want this so bad
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*