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“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.


Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.


You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs


Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.


ME: im depressed

DOG: what’s depressed

ME: it’s when everything feels like shit

DOG: like hungry

ME: sorta, but it’s constant

DOG: like hungry


January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”


“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”

– Julius Caesar’s actual last words


Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces