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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.