Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I don’t know what to do
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.