Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.