@retardedwriter

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

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@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

@radstunts

have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@meganamram

Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”

@Mom_Overboard

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

@myonlymizztake

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

@TheAlexNevil

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

@TheBoydP

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@TweetPotato314

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working