Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

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If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.


have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot


Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat


Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”


Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.


Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor


The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.


My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.


Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.


wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working