Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Bring back the McRib
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.