Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will