Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
worst…sale…ever
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.