@tacsanitchiban
Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
@synthandlasers
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
@Cpin42
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
@WhaJoTalkinBout
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
@omerwahaj
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
@SortaBad
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
@CAshmanActor
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
@joshcomers
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
@infamousone96
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
@Cheeseboy22
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
@TheRolo
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*