Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

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Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire


Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.


Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.


I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.


We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.


(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.


Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?


Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.


When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.