@tacsanitchiban

Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

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@markydoodoo

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

@bobvulfov

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

@thistallawkgirl

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

@better_off_dad

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@sgrstk

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit

@DanMentos

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted