*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Phonetics
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again