@tacsanitchiban

Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

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@synthandlasers

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

@Cpin42

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@SortaBad

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

@CAshmanActor

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

@joshcomers

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

@infamousone96

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*