Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
You Might Also Like
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.