@XplodingUnicorn

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

You Might Also Like

@TheRolo

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

@SadieSkyNinja

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

@_SetTheHook_

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

@fuzzlime

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

@freefanaddict

I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.

@BGH70

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

@jwoodham

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

@1Happytwit

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.