Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.
english words that pitbull knows:
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.