old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

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Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.


It’s so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone


14 year olds be talkin bout “im a dom,” son the only thing u should be dominating is that geometry test tomorrow get studying


I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.


I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.


WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*


*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW


You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.


Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.