@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

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@awesomelocks

Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.

@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone

@CatalystNB

14 year olds be talkin bout “im a dom,” son the only thing u should be dominating is that geometry test tomorrow get studying

@Alex_N_Chains

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

@bfrosty04

I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

@WittySassBasket

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

@LarryJLund

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.