old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote