old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something