My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well