This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
If you love someone, let them sleep.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Planet of the Apps.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.