the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.