Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
😍😂🥰😂😍
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.