[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning