old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
there’s probably a fee though
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.